Depths
by Orokid
Summary: Heero's depths


**Orokid**_: So… it's been a while since I've been able to write ANYTHING, so I know that this won't be too good in the first place. This hasn't been betaed, like everything I've ever written, so there probably will be errors in this fanfic- like there is in everything I've written. This is just a warning, so you can take it as you wish, however that may be. Despite the fact that- one more- like everything I've written, this will follow in the step of crappiness, I still want to hear what everyone has to say._

_Anyway…_

_This was written after a month of a GIANT-ASS Writer's Block, and my pet monkey has been trying to make me continue this after writing the first paragraph out… Be warned._

**Disclaimer**_: I do not own the series in question, due to the fact that I'm broke and I'd have some money if I did. Compredae? ((And, yes, I know I most likely spelled that wrong, but I don't really care much))_

Depths

He was gasping, drowning in the dark and bloodied water he had once jumped into long ago, and he had no way to escape the torture he was going through. How could he after blackening the liquid himself with the red, vibrant and glossy, bloody from the bodies of his former enemies? And why should he be pulled from the depths, pulled from the grief and woe of regret, when he had done so much wrong?

Well, SHE wouldn't allow him to fall into his oceans of pain, no matter how much he wished to die to repent all of his unforgivable sins. She wouldn't keep all the aid she had within her grasp from someone like himself, and it wasn't as though she had never put her neck on the line for either him or another so filled with sins. Even while he sank in shark-infested waters, her hand had always been outstretched towards him, hoping for the soldier to grab on so she could save him from the Hell that is and the people in charge of it.

He never knew why, and he sometimes couldn't help but wish that she'd stop reaching out towards him- but, despite his deep heart-felt wishes, he did appreciate her effort to do all that she had promised, to help in his time of need as well as any other victim of the war that had occurred. Despite the fact that he would have rather to die regretting his ill choices throughout his young life, he believed that she was one of the very few who would accept him after knowing what he had done to millions upon millions of people, and who exactly he was throughout the entire time he had spent living.

Despite the fact that he would never admit to the truth about his emotions hidden deep within the crevices of his beating organ, he had fallen deep into a different sort of abyss than the other he had once been drowning in, fallen into an emotion that he had once thought had been lost from his heart long ago. He had fallen into something he was quite sure he couldn't get out of so easily, no matter how tainted he became or could become. The fact that she'd accept him for his past, for his bloodied hands, made her to be someone he, as a broken man, couldn't help but dare to dream to someday hold her within his arms in ways other than a protector, her guardian. He wanted more, but understood that his reason to be, to live, was to be at her side as a bodyguard and nothing more than that. As much as he might wish to love her freely, to not worry that her life might be in danger just because of his mere presence, he knew better than to wish with his tainted soul. He knew better, no matter his unbridled needs, and so he had always stood back in the shadows, protecting her from more than enough threats.

But now…

He had the chance to stand beside her instead of elsewhere in the vicinity, instead of hiding in the shadows like he had been accustomed to in the past few years. He had the chance to drown in the pools of those light blues that he could fathom a bottom in them, to be with her more than he usually was. He had the chance, but…

He couldn't help the fact that he was scared to jump in, as if it were his first time out of a plane without a parachute. His heart sped too fast around her sensitive ways, her kindness that even he hadn't been able to escape. His mind went too foggy while under her gentle eyes, as though she was a mist on the ocean. He couldn't truly think all that well when he felt in danger of losing what he had been trained to keep with him at all times.

He didn't want to lose his cool demeanor, didn't want her to see that he actually could feel. Ever since he had been a boy, back when he had been brought up by the murderer Odin Lowe (whose name wouldn't ever be in the history books as the one whom had taken down his 'son's' namesake), he had been told to hide his heart, to never show anything that might be seen as a weakness, all because it would be used against him.

To tell the truth, his only weakness, whom he hadn't known he had shown, had been used to destroy him from the inside out more times than he could count, more times than even she knew of. More times than he'd ever tell her about, and more times than he'd ever admit to. Just… too many times for him to truly think about taking the position he had been offered, too many for him to risk yet another attempt without him there in the shadows, hiding from both their enemies and her.

He couldn't step out from the shadows, couldn't retreat from the murky depths of isolation into the embrace of the sunlight. It was unnatural for him to do such a thing, and… well… it was better if he stayed back, allowed her to be protected from others, from… him.

He refused to be saved from the depths he was drowning himself in, but rather use it to his advantage. He was to be her knight, swimming in the darkness he himself could only produce, and he'd be there for her. Forever in his bloody oceans.

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**Orokid**_: Okay, I'm sorry if I didn't end it the way you wanted to- the fact is, I didn't get my ending either. The only way I can explain this is by the fact that I'm under the strict control of my Writer's Block. It sucks, but this is all I could think of to end this. Still, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this piece, because most of it was written well (I think) so… yeah._

_Please review!!_


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